Where do I belong?

When I tell other Siamese people that I'm a chef, the the first question they always ask me is, " how many khon thai 'barn rao' ( siamese people from Kedah, Perlis, Perak or Kelantan) work with me? When I say none of them, they give me some kind of perplex look and say, " that must be difficult to work with them", I said it is not hard at all for me cos I think I am one of them. They said, " Fuck you! you've already forgot who you was? You are no longer one of us anymore!". Deep down in my heart I want to give them a big hug, seriously. I have to admit that most of the time I agree with them. Some time I know the mhorlum's lyric more than Isaan people and I like to correct them when they sing the song wrongly. I am an Isaan boy, they can't say I'm not one of them cos when I go and live at Kumphawapi (Udonthani) for a while, I wake up at 4 am to take a ride on the Itaen ( a modified truck with the Kubota engine) to the tapioca farm with them. When they sing karaoke, I'll duet Lukphrae/Maithai's song with them and one of the villager stood up and declared, " I hum noy nie man pen luuk Isan!", this boy is the son of Isaan!. I am one of them cos somewhere in the time line of the history my ancestors ( I believe) is came from Mekong, It's in my DNA that had passed from generation to generation and my malleable body system to be train to become an Isaan boy might be just has prove that fact. And the time I've spent in Kumphawapi just reveal who is already inside me. Whatever it is I'll always have an affinity with Isaan people. I have the ticket to connection, and I cherish it.

When I stop socialize with my own people it's not an agreement to worship Thailand people or I'm ashame of who I use to be. To stay in touch with my goal and not to be sucked in to the world that I used to live in. It can be like living as an alien in my own country. There is a certain amount of isolation that is needed until I can refrain myself from go back to my home town every time of songkran, ngarnboon, barngkoon pleo, loy krathong, and the list is endless. I can't expect people to understand why I've isolate myself this long. How I can expect people to understand why I have Sheila on7, Dewa 19, Padi, Suraphol Sombatjareon. Charam Thepphachai, Yodrak Slakjai, T- Bone, Job Banjob, Bear Garden, Muse, Radio Head, Placebo and even Iron Cross ( a rock band from Myanmar) song in my iPod.. How can I expect people to understand why I read Salina (A Samad Said), Tenggelamnya Kapal van der Wijck (dr Hamka), Phra' Aphai Mani (Sunthorn Phu) all at the same time. I can't expect people to understand, I'm on a whole other operating system.

It's understandable why we just want to stay within our own people, we want order, we want predictability, and all the answer to all of our question, we want to speak the same language, we can share story. If we have them around, we feel more comfortable. But, I've choose different path, this road is less traveled. It's full of challenge to fit in. No matter how much I want to brag about my DNA is partially Isaan, I'm still a Kedah boy, a kampung boy. When I came to Kl 15 years ago with only Spm education, and half of that time I've spent mingle with only my own race. When I choosed to walk away from that, It's still a cumbersome process of adaptation. To watch 'Siang Isaan' (a comedy band from north east of Thailand), and listen to mhorlum and at the beginning I literally don't understand a word. But today, I've traveled and stay at the Kumphawapi (Udorn Thani), and lived with them, speak their language, I cook their food for them, I ate 'larb' (minced beef salad), and 'koy' ( raw minced beef salad served with blood). I also dance in front the stage of mhorlum concert at the 'ngarn boon barn' (annually village festival). It's never been easy since you're not one of them. But I've learn not only to become a good cook but also to become a 'real' Thai. It's tremendous fullness, aliveness and a different kind of comfort when we learn to tolerate randomness of live. Maybe my genetic has mutate!

If we only stick with our own people, everything is linear and predictable. We'd come to a halt. They would be no creativity or evolution of growth. To live is weave constantly, between the known and the unknown. It's the feeling of wonder, openness and curiosity that give birth to so much as long as we can get comfortable exploring the vastness of the journey that life will take us. Leading life in a meaningful way requires embracing the unknown. That that unknown leads me to the possession of great wealth of the Thai food knowledge. Not just the best recipe but also how to bring it to it's utmost form. By the same token, we sometime cling to our sameness to the detriment of seeing this human potential. In our effort to hold on to our way ( or our family, race, religion, tribe) we insulate ourselves never turning to observe the lives of others around us who are different. We confine ourselves to what is familiar, when we could enhance our lives by opening ourselves up to the richness of other culture and ethnic group have to offer. There is magnificence in what is strange or unfamiliar to us. It is only fear that hold us back. The most important thing is to breaks out from that fear and start to take that first step. You don't have to know everything in the beginning, life will always finds it's way. If you listen to 'Joodmhaai khorng ther' by Nhoom Sakol, you'll understand this.

Lukthung, lukkrung and the possession of many language especially Thai and english can open door to magnificence. It was a depth of seeing, and the deeper is where magnificence lies and meaning can be found. It's open up your heart to see something that take your breath away, whether it was a beautiful Thailand Pantene commercial, (the one that the mute and deaf girl learn to play violin), or watch sunset at Phromthep Cape, Phuket, or to listen to Sunthraphron's songs and be awe by his wordcraftmanship. And all of that even though it's not make me rich but, I literally enrich by that.

But in all honesty, deep down in my heart Saiburi is where I belong. Someday when the time is right I'll go back there. I'll make up for my lost time, and spread all this precious knowledge of cooking to our next generation so they don't have to go through what I've been through. Cos this dark ugly journey almost take my life, literally! This is a lonely world I live in. Thailand people don't accept that I'm one one of them and my own people said that I'm not one of them too. But, I'll back to Saiburi, cos that is where I belong. What? Saiburi is only exist 102 years ago? It's ok, I'll build new one. Join me to build Saiburi back my dear phi norng. I'll call my country Saiburi United. It's will unite the next generation of Siamese from Perlis, Kedah, Perak and Kelantan. It's a project that I've plan for many years. I'll take the kids who don't have chance to further their study to teach them how to cook and run the restaurant. I'll teach them to Suad mon, I'll teach them the Thai culture, I'll teach them to listen to Sunthraphorn and read Phra' Aphai Mani. And above all I'll teach them to unite rather than divide. Join me to make it happen my dear phi norng. I'm not the most eloquent speaker since what I can do best is only cooking so I thought I would like to borrow a few words from John Lennon.

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the (Saiburi) will be as one.

But today is Merdeka day, so don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to recruit you to join the bizarre separatist group or something. After all Saiburi is not a place, a location or a new country. It's just a state of mind. It's just a reminder what we must strive for, how we used to be and how we suppose to be. The unity of our society is in our hand, all of us! And if we really united and put our heart and soul to revive our lost identity, Saiburi might be not too far beyond our dream. Some day when the time is right, when Saiburi is really united, our next generation will call themselves Khon Sai, instead of khon Thai cos it's confuse people that think we're from Thailand. And Siamese is not really accurate cos we've separate from Kingdom of Siam 102 years ago. Even though we love Thailand the dearest but we're Malaysian citizen. We're are Saiburian. That's for me is the most accurate definition about us.

Of course as a Siamese boy, who is grown up watch Thai tv, read Thai book, and listen to the Thai song all the time. I'm in love with Thailand, the calendar that I use in my home is the photo of king of Thailand and King Chulalongkorn's photo is nicely frame hang on my wall. I love Thailand the dearest. Through out my travel to Phuket, Rayong, Koh Samet, Bangkok, Udorn Thani, I'm in love with the people, places, cuisine and culture. But Malaysia is my home. Touching down on Lcct and listening through the airport speaker's "to all Malaysian, welcome home", is music to my ears. No matter how much I'm in love with Thailand, Malaysia is my home. Malaysia is where I belong. Happy Merdeka Day Malaysia!