Embarking On A New Journey.

"A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark." - Dante

As christmas past by and New Year will greeted. A new year will started with twelve month to last. And the coming month I know with my dearest friend who believe in Saiburi United Project by my side, we'll win out, just watch how we do it and you'll see.

Looking back last year, days fill with hurdles and obstacles, moment of heartaches, bleak, toil, and pain. But I stand in the thick of fight. That extreme misery force me to change the path of my life, the life without false beliefs that elude me. It's free me from; to be controlled by my false dream conditioning. And I'm embarked on a fascinating journey of discovery who I am and what truly make me do what I do.

In every man and woman's life there comes a time of ultimate challenge- a time when every resource we have is tested. A time when life seems unfair. A time when our faith, our values, our patience, our compassion, and our ability to persist, are all pushed to our limit and beyond. Some people allow these experiences of life to destroy them. But, I've promise myself to use such tests to become a better person. I'm not discourage, every false path discarded is another step closer to fulfill my destiny, another step closer to Saiburi.

With the help of friends and family, whose wisdom and unconditional love pulled me through the bumpy road, and whose input I always hold valuable, I am eternally grateful- when someone unexpectedly pays us a compliment, or does us a good turn, it evoke a feeling akin to the first stirring of love, a weightlessness and joy that make all problems suddenly seem like possibilities. We begin to believe that no matter how much pain others have inflicted on us, goodness is still possible, compassion exist, selflessness hasn't been totally forgotten. And the more kindness other bestow upon us, the more we want to pass on some of our own. I realized that I had not achieved my goal for the year, but by pursuing it, I'd come across an even greater gift, a gift of friendship, a gift of value beyond compare.

And yes, what didn't bring me joy, I shall leave them behind and learn to grow from every mistake. I won't let my fear of being wrong dampening my spirit from living my creative life and the freedom to share myself creatively. Most of new idea don't work, at least not in their original form. But when two or more ideas combine, a breakthrough occurs that can change my life. I will keep my mind open all the time.

I rang this year with good things in mind. I believe that in the deepest part of ourselves, we all want to do what we believe is right, to go beyond ourselves, to commit our energy, time, emotion, devotion, creativity, and capital to a larger cause. Regardless of almost everything seems to went terribly wrong last year. I'm still a believer. I believe that we all sent here for a reason and that simply mean we all have significance in the world. I genuinely feel that we all are blessed with unique gift. The expression of our gift contributes to a cause greater than ourselves. So, I'm not discourage, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step; forward.

Hopefully new year will bring love, wisdom, and more clarity to pave the new path with new hope. To embark on a journey to enrich the spirit, to revels in a new height of passion and joy. To take the brush of my imagination and begin painting a masterpiece of life's canvas. To reinforce the commitment to grow, expand, contribute, and make a different, thereby fulfilling my destiny. Life is too short not to chase your dreams.

Another year, another chance to start my life anew, try to leap the old barrier to get a real breakthrough, to lay groundwork to build Saiburi United Project.

Dear friends, all I want you to know is how grateful I am to have you all in my life. Who've touched me in some very special way, who've say the right thing when I need it the most, who've inspired me to achieve a greater height. It has been an invisible enormous source of strength and insight for me to restore my ability to dream, to hope, and to replenish my willpower to persist. Whenever I feel like quitting, you always remind me, one day, things will get better. It's restore my strength to endure the struggle therefore it's restore my belief in my ability to triumph over all obstacles. So, someday I can cherish everything. And most importantly who've inspired me to take action and to grow to a new level.

In the mean time, I thank you your kindness for share some sacred space of your heart with me. May your hunt for human excellence be fruitful and never ending. May you dedicate yourself, not only to strive for the goal you have set, but to meet them and set even more; not only to hold to the dreams you have had, but to dream greater dream than before; not only to enjoy this beautiful country and its wealth, but to make it a better place to live; and not only to take what you can from this life, but to love and give back generously. I leave you with a simple Irish blessing.... May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm on your face, the rains fall soft upon your field, and until we meet again.... I wish for each of you overflowing with blessing. Twelve month ahead filled with magic, miracles, many happy surprise, and of course lots of joy.

Happy New Miracle Year!

P/s: Remember to expect miracles... because you're one!

I still have a dream.

Yesterday, Today, Tommorow.

Yesterday.

After 102 years Saiburi has separated from Kingdom of Siam, after 53 years of Malaya independent and after 47 years of establishment of Malaysia, our Bumiputera status are still; in debate. Bumiputera: the son of the soil. Our ancestors have occupy this soil for more than a thousand year. We are not just Sam-Sam race who are migrated from Kingdom of Siam to occupy Saiburi. Long before Srivijaya kingdom, way long before Nakhorn Srithammarat Kingdom, we are Siam-Asli or Aboriginal Siamese ( http://suttiporn.blogspot.com/ ) who've lived on this soil for thousands year along side with Semang and Sakai. And yet, our status as the children of this soil; is still in debate or in more accurate words; still far from reality. Much worse, we sometime just known as Malaysia- born Thai.

What went wrong, I wonder. What have refrain us from enjoy this privileged, what have stop us to claim our birthright? Even we are; rightfully deserve it when our ancestors opt to become the citizen of this country over Siam 102 years ago. What went terribly wrong? Is that because there are no Siamese lawyer or there are no Siamese minister in this country? Or because we are a peaceful race and too comfortable with what we currently having and we never unite to fight for our right? Or it's just simply it is because of our ignorance? We care more about personal gain more than Siamese right. In so doing, we will pay a major price. Or our negligence of our history rob us our right? Or, we're so focused on instantaneous gratification like; new 'balai raya' or new 'jalan tar' before PRU often become long term problem? Like what Michelangelo said,"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it" I don't know. I'm not a politician or an elected senator to represent Siamese people in the parliament. I'm just a cook with only SPM education, it's just too much for me to comprehend.

Today

But in all honesty, in a population of 70,000 people, and after more than a thousand year our ancestors live on this soil, most people from other race in this country don't even know that we are the citizen of this country. Much worse, they don't even know that we are exist! I remember few years back, when I haven't change my ic from Kad Pengenalan Bermutu Tinggi to Mykad when the dateline is approaching, I was stopped by a policeman in a road block. When he see a peculiar name in my ic, he ask me,"Orang apa ni?" Then I answered, "orang Siam." Then, he warned me if I don't change my ic soon, he will 'halau' me 'balik' Thailand. As a warganegara (and MAYBE a Bumiputera) of this country I was felt insulted and shock! If you think that is worse, do you know what is worse? Most of the Siamese people don't even know our own history. Normally they can't answer a simple question when other race ask about our origin and how we ended up in this country. Sorry,but true. If we don't even know ourselves, how you expect other people know us? But, who to blame.

Neither I'm expressing my ingratitude nor I'm fervently denounce my own race and my own country. Despite some difficulties, I love Malaysia the dearest. The point is, in the population of 70,000 people we still can't find one person who is good enough to lead us forward, to be known by other people. So our children don't have to tick the 'dan lain-lain' box as their race when they fill the form to apply to enroll to the university. The question is, what we can do, today, so our children and our grandchildren will live in a better social status than we currently living? We need to start something, with great sense of urgency! That is simply means, we need to do something now. The best way to predict the future is to create it TODAY!

I still have a dream

I say to you, my friends, so even though we face the great difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deep rooted in a young boy's soul who used to sing, 'Saya Anak Malaysia', by Dr. Sam, with great pride and deep love for this country. I have a dream that one day this nation will granted what is rightfully ours. This is our hope. This is the faith that I'm leaving Kuala Lumpur after 15 years and go back to the north with. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to stand up for our children's right together, knowing that we will finally recognize as; 'the children of this soil.'

I still have a dream.

But today I dream as a practical man who believe in Buddha philosophy, 'attahi' attano natho.' I'm a cook, who make a living and build my dream base on what I can grab and what I can hold to. Dreaming without action, it's merely stating a preference saying, "I'm interested in having this happen, if I don't have to do anything." That's not Siamese spirit! It's a weak prayer made with out the faith to launch it.

I still have a dream.

But we can't live in the political delusional any more. Sometime enough is really, enough. We can't wait any longer. Bumiputera or not we have to move forward or at least find a way to move forward. If we can't find a way, we must make one. If we notice our action in the past is not work out, we must change our approach.Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is what Albert Einstein call Insanity. We must do what we can, with what we have, right where we are, using whatever lives gives us along the way. But we must decide, to find a way no matter what! If our children can't get into the IPTA because we are not under the Bumi's quota and we can't afford them to go to IPTS. We must create a new form of education. So we can develops our strengths, skills, and innovative capacities and therefore we can continue to contribute more to this country's development in our own way, the Siamese way. Ask not what this country can do for us, but we must ask ourselves what we can contribute to this country. We must sow before we can reap. Only with the plan of that size we can develop ourselves and our race. Because our wellness is depend greatly on this country's prosperity. We cannot walk alone.

I was born into under privilege environment and because of my unfortunate circumstances, (which is I never regret) I never get the chance to go to the university. Despite my lack of understanding of what they've been taught on that menara gading, I still believe university is the best place for us to develop our seed of greatness for our future generation. So, whatever I will say, just don't misinterpret that I'm undermine the importance of university's education and I'm promoting sekolah menengah drop out or I'm encouraging our young boys and girls not to go to the university. We must go, when we have opportunity. What I'm trying to say is, if we can't enroll to the university under any circumstances, we shouldn't settle far less than what we potentially capable of. Within every adversity is the seed of an equal or greater opportunity or advantage. We must not stop educated and develop ourselves in our own way. Because seed of greatness and opportunity may truly come in disguise. If we miss that opportunity, maybe we meant to plant our seeds of greatness in our own way. We must take every setback as a spur to greater effort, we must look upon temporary defeat as a signpost that says "STOP, go this way instead." Because the education is not only what you can get in the university. Again, please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that university education is important, even though I never been there, I know is important. I'm just saying that, we must plan something else rather than just wait for the Bumiputera status for our children. I'm just saying that, hospitality, culinary, entrepreneurship is also a form of education. We must execute it rightly to turn this into outstanding professional.

I still have a dream.

I still have a dream, but today I dream as an awaken man. In my previous blog I've stated clearly what is our strengths and our critical success factors. We maybe lose our privilege to be Bumiputera, but we still have our right to be different. That difference is our privilege, that privilege is our genetic advantages; that advantages is our area of excellence. We can achieve our full potential only by throwing our whole heart into developing talents in this area. And why not develop a tangible and concrete plan to become excellent in the areas that help us the most? We must focus in the field that will bring Siamese race to rise even greater height. To drive ourselves forward, we must fully utilize our strengths and we must develop it in excellent fashion. To become a great race we must specialize in something. We must single mindedly focus our energies and our resources in the area where we can dominate. We should withdraw ourselves from the area that we don't have competitive advantage, the area that we can't contribute significantly for this country.

'Saiburi United Project' is a big dream. We won't achieve the dream of this magnitude just by being interested. We must committed to that goal, we must strive constantly and consistently to that magnificent direction together. I believe life is constantly test our level of commitment and life's greatest reward are reserved for those who demonstrated a never-ending commitment to act until they can achieve. This level of resolve can move Gunung Jerai, but it must be constant and consistent.

This is our opportunity to leave our mark, creating a legacy that make true difference in Siamese lives. You want to predict what will happen to our society future? The answer is, it depend on what you are creating today.

In our community today, especially in the Facebook, I've read a lot of pretty instense argument in our Siamese persatuans, under so many different name. Despite our noble intention, we fail to conduct ourselves with knowledge, integrity and discipline when we debate sensitive issues. We fail to choose the words wisely to make our desires known. Rather than we use the power of words to move ourselves emotionally, to challenge and embolden our courage, and to strengthen our spirit of brotherhood, we fall into the fatal trap, we use the power of words to destroy rather than to build, to divide rather than to bridge our small community. Our failure to express and share our opinion with others, our failure to debate these issue with integrity and in the spirit of brotherhood, our failure to improve our vocabulary is pulling us in the direction that we wish to avoid. We raises the intensity of these negative conversations to; making the provoking, cheap,rude,contempt,frivolous, offensive, and above all unconstructive statements. It's not just destructive but it's also denigrating our moral's value. This unconscious poisonous mix doses choice of words, it's represent our mentallity not just as individual but, of our community at large. Like the old Malay proverb; 'kerana pulut santan binasa, kerana Facebook badan binasa' and 'kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga.'

The truth is, it is not the critic who count, not the man who points out the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The only way you can tell what a person really believes is by their actions, not words. It is not what you say, or what you intend, or what you wish or hope or pray for, but only what you do that counts. Your true values and beliefs are only and always expressed in your behavior. One person who will take action is worth ten brilliant talkers who do nothing. The credit are belong to man and woman who are actually in the arena. Who have and demonstrate the great devotion to spend themselves in a worthy course. The one who teach our children Thai language in the temple with no salary, the one who volunteer in the religious ceremony, Phra' ajarn who are teaching Dharma, the people like my late dad who, despite his adversities and live in poverty for most of his life but because of his knowledge and his character he became one of the most respectful person in our society, and the peoples who strive for great triumph of high achievement for themselves, their community, and their country.

500 thousands ringgit is not too much to ask in this country. I refuse to believe in the country of great wealth and just unveiled an ambitious 10-years investments of US$444 billion (RM 1.3 trillion) to power the nation towards becoming a high income economy by 2020, half a million is too much to ask for the project of this size of benefit. What we must do is we need to plant this seeds of idea in a form of massive action, this germinal idea will have potentiality of bringing forth the bigger things; entrepreneurship, hospitality and tourism. 500 thousand ringgit is not too much to ask. But how we can raise the fund of this much? I believe some where out there, there are a lot of Siamese people who are influential and prominent in our society. Will some one step forward? So then we can start to walk rather than just talk. For now I don't know. But like I said in my previous blog; I will work valiantly, with sweat and blood. The worse, if I fail, I'll fail while trying daringly.

Tomorrow

Maybe one day, when we add great value to ourselves, so it's reinforce the value to our race, therefore we can expand our capacities to contribute to this country's development. When we stop pursuing something that we lack control of, and start moving toward the accomplishment of something that is more important to us, on one fine day in near future, Bumi status will come to us. Maybe, just maybe, on that day we are no longer need it. Because even without the Bumi status, with the spirit of rock solid brotherhood we've overcome a great adversity and won through, in spite of the odds. And it's makes orang Siam is a highly competitive race. And IF this country finally grant our children the Bumi status, is just commentary. Then, only then, Siamese is truly a great race!

The question is when? The answer is; when you want it to be?

I Have A Dream.

Saiburi United Project.

I've knocked many doors, but so far few are answered, very few. But if I continue knocking, I convinced I can open door just one small crack, maybe reluctant people will walk in, maybe not today, maybe not immediately, but this seed will be planted and another soul will be pointed in the direction of our race greatness' destiny.

But at the same time I also been bless, not all people laugh at my dream, but some are very generous people with a beautiful soul. Who are so far help the most. Not in material object, but in something that is more precious, their sincere prayer, their beautiful words, their encouragement to keep me fight for this dream. In the process of pursuing this dream I've came across an even greater gift, a gift of friendship, a gift of value beyond compare. Thank you so much, I'll be eternally grateful for that.

This is a very big dream I understand, I'm pursuing a goal against heavy odds. Too big for me to carry this responsibility alone. That's why I invite you all to join, because this is our dream, all of us. You and me, if we work together we'll possess enormous capacity to accomplish it if we really believe in. Our small community demanding great personal commitment and sacrifice from the chosen. You and me, we are the chosen one. The question is, will you answer that calling? Do you want to be safe and good, or you want to take chance with me and make our race great? This is crucial, the key is to understand what our race CAN be the best in the country at, and equally important, what we CANNOT be the best at- not what we "want" to be best at. And if we understand that, we can channel our energy, money, and time to be the best at something. And for me this is the best field that give our best shot.

For 15 years, through out my work, from wait the table to bar tender, to kitchen helper, butcher and executive chef, through out my culinary journey and travel through out Thailand. I've gain enough knowledge and experience. Cooking for me is not just a job, but it's get me out from poverty, it's give me sense of purpose, it's offer me greater opportunities to expand, learn, grow, and share this knowledge with others in a meaningful and enjoyable way, create value for myself and others and above all it's teach me to dare to dream, it's give my soul wings to fly!

For 15 years I've persist through my life with a great struggle so long alone, with an unwavering faith that someday I'll be rewarded. As a Siamese, Thailand people always see us as a Malaysian, or "khon Thai Malay", that is what they call us. To work with Thailand people, they sometime so reluctant to share their knowledge. Their hostility is often torn my stout heart, their futility of words is a torment to my soul. And in the state of exhausted mind, despondency, and mentally worn out, I've been thinking to quit; many times! Despite all that, despite my weakness, my Siamese soul never been defeated. Nobody could rob me the conviction that Siamese is a great race, that give me the strength in my own way. Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my consciousness is belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for the greatness of Siamese people has preserved me from feeling isolated. I believe that, somewhere out there there is some one who are sharing my path. If I keeps walking, universe will brought us together some how. I believe life deliberately test us to train, shape and prepare us for something bigger. I keeps persevere with a faith that this unearned suffering is redemptive; and my dream is to redeem my token of suffering with better social condition for my community.

I'll go back to Saiburi, to found a new way of life. For 102 years since we've separate from kingdom of Siam, we keep our Thai-ness way of life well. We still go to Thai school after formal school, learned Thai culture, we are living in very Thai way of life. And if we add cooking to our culture and teach our new generation of boys and girl, our Thai character our "kfarm pen Thai" will be complete, will be whole. And the most important thing is, they can fully utilize Thai language knowledge because, the recipes book are in Thai. This is the area that we can use our strength into practice. This is our advantage, this is our privilege. As a Siamese we possess our own unique form of greatness, now it's the time to turn that into an outstanding professional. What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely function of our true capability. It's more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are. Today, I challenge you, my fellow Siamese, to change your belief system from, "I can never succeed because I'm a Siamese." to, "Because I'm a Siamese, I have resources available to me that no other could never dream of!" Belief have the awesome potential to create and destroy. I believe you are reading my blog because deep down you've decided you will not settle for less than the best you know you're capable of. Then learn to choose the belief that empower you; create convictions that drive you in the direction of the destiny that calls to the highest within you. Your family, your community, and your country deserve no less.

I have a dream, despite of all difficulties and limitations that I'm facing today, I still have a dream. I dream someday in near future, our Siamese boys and girls from Kangar, Beseri, Kubang Tiga, Ayer Itam, Padang Sera, Kubang Chenok, Jitra, Lampam, Naka, Titi Akar, Padang Peliang, Paya Mak Ison, Kura, Kalai, Begia, Ceruk Padang, Sirako, Tas, Baling, Tasek, Kota Bahru, Tumpat, Jungkau, will work under one roof in the name of brotherhood, in the name of Saiburi fighter. With a great determination and commitment to make Siamese race great.

I have a dream.

I have a dream, someday the best Thai chef in this country will not be judge by their country of origin but the content of their character, creativity, talent, skill, knowledge and hard work and craftsmanship. I have a dream someday, a Siamese chef will be recognize, that they are not the second best from the best Thai chef from Thailand. I know not what course other may take; but for me this is the path that I will walk. I simply wouldn't accept any other possibility!

This is a new way of life. In order to do that, we have to leave behind the old and go in quest of the seed of idea, a germinal idea that will have potentiality of bringing forth the new thing. Saiburi United Project, or 'Khronggarn Saiburi Samakkhi', is not just a restaurant's project, but also cooking school, activity center, training center, under one roof. To train our next generation to become competent with Thailand chef. But we don't have to depend on Thai people for the knowledge, cos what I have with me is the wealth of knowledge and experiences and I think that 15 years of experiences in restaurant business and through out my travel to all over Thailand. I'm thoroughly prepare to share this precious knowledge.

I decided many years ago that the most important way I could spend my life would be to invest it in something that would outlast it. I decided that somehow I must contribute in some way to our society that would live on long after I was gone.

But of course it's need a lot of money, (around half a million to be accurate) the money that I don't have, the money that I not yet have. But I'll work hard for that. I don't need your money, I just need your support. And of course with only spm education and come from under privilege family my resource and contact is very limited. All I want to do here us voice out my intention for the benefit of our next generation. And if you have any field of expertise to help, any kind of help are welcome. So, for the benefit of our next generation, SAIBURI UNITED PROJECT will happen sooner rather than later.

This decision that you and me make today will change the course of direction of our race. Of course not just by cooking alone, but the history of it, of Siamese people, the history of the food and above all, we will refine the way we cook and automatically we will refine the words that we are using in everyday life. Because Siamese people only have a few way, or a few words to describe cooking method. Compare to Thai words, it's have more words. To become an effective cook the introduction to this new method of cooking is crucial. Because as a Siamese, we don't live in a culture that puts a great premium on precise communication. It maybe be one of our biggest cultural failing. Language reflects a society's need. An Eskimo has several dozen words for "snow". Why? Because to be able to make fine distinctions between different kinds of snow. There is snow you can fall through, snow you can built igloo out of, snow you can run your dog in, snow you can eat, snow
that ready to melt. To become an effective cook, and a competitive race, same rules apply.

I see visions in my head, with a beautiful picture, all the sounds, sights, smells, tastes, vividly real, a vision of the future in all it's glory, and if we don't get them together, nobody else will. Nobody! Why not? You are alive, you are creative, you can creating, and the most important fact of all; you are a Siamese! It is a special blessing to belong among those who can devote their best energies to creates a new culture, it's timeless thing. How happy and grateful I am for having granted this blessing, which bestows upon me a large capacity to learn, from language to run a restaurant and cooking skill. It's a gift, a wonderful privilege. And yet it's will be more meaningful if I can share it with our next generation, it's doesn't counts much how great we do as individual or how much money we have in the bank account. If we can't progress as a Siamese race, it's doesn't counts that much.

Of course the purpose, the real purpose of this project is not to make money. But food industry is blooming, people have to eat no matter what. And good food is become more and more rare to find nowadays. The main purpose of this project is to equip our next generation with valuable skill, so few years from now this country doesn't depend too much on Thailand human power source to fill the need of man power in this industry. And of course even though the main idea of this project is not to make money. But people, this is food industry! We can make some money, to keep this project going and we can live a comfortable life doing it. And above all don't just live life, but be passion about it. You only live once, go out be excited, if the path is not there, be a pathfinder, make one! And this is a brand new path we going to pave, it's not going to be easy, it's never will. But if you and I can work together, unity make a lot of things possible.

Will today be the day you finally decide that Siamese people are a race that is much more than we've demonstrating? Will today be the day, our turning points, the defining moment in our lives when we change direction and embark on our great journey? Will today be the day you decide for once and for all that it's not where we start out but the decisions we make about where we're determined to end up that matter? Will today be the day that Siamese people will fight with sweat and blood, will work valiantly; a great race who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spend ourselves in a worthy course; a great race, who, at the best, knows in the end of triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if their fail, at least fail while daring greatly; so our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knows either victory or defeat. Will that day will come? If we are united, nothing will stop us from achieving it. We will not be
denied!

'United we stand' is maybe sounds cliché, but it's more applicable in this project more than anything.We cannot walk alone.That is the theme of this project, Saiburi; United We Stand or Saiburi; "samakkhi rao yeunyong" in Thai. It's music to my ears, it's our anthem, it's our dream, it's our vision, you and me.

Where do I belong?

When I tell other Siamese people that I'm a chef, the the first question they always ask me is, " how many khon thai 'barn rao' ( siamese people from Kedah, Perlis, Perak or Kelantan) work with me? When I say none of them, they give me some kind of perplex look and say, " that must be difficult to work with them", I said it is not hard at all for me cos I think I am one of them. They said, " Fuck you! you've already forgot who you was? You are no longer one of us anymore!". Deep down in my heart I want to give them a big hug, seriously. I have to admit that most of the time I agree with them. Some time I know the mhorlum's lyric more than Isaan people and I like to correct them when they sing the song wrongly. I am an Isaan boy, they can't say I'm not one of them cos when I go and live at Kumphawapi (Udonthani) for a while, I wake up at 4 am to take a ride on the Itaen ( a modified truck with the Kubota engine) to the tapioca farm with them. When they sing karaoke, I'll duet Lukphrae/Maithai's song with them and one of the villager stood up and declared, " I hum noy nie man pen luuk Isan!", this boy is the son of Isaan!. I am one of them cos somewhere in the time line of the history my ancestors ( I believe) is came from Mekong, It's in my DNA that had passed from generation to generation and my malleable body system to be train to become an Isaan boy might be just has prove that fact. And the time I've spent in Kumphawapi just reveal who is already inside me. Whatever it is I'll always have an affinity with Isaan people. I have the ticket to connection, and I cherish it.

When I stop socialize with my own people it's not an agreement to worship Thailand people or I'm ashame of who I use to be. To stay in touch with my goal and not to be sucked in to the world that I used to live in. It can be like living as an alien in my own country. There is a certain amount of isolation that is needed until I can refrain myself from go back to my home town every time of songkran, ngarnboon, barngkoon pleo, loy krathong, and the list is endless. I can't expect people to understand why I've isolate myself this long. How I can expect people to understand why I have Sheila on7, Dewa 19, Padi, Suraphol Sombatjareon. Charam Thepphachai, Yodrak Slakjai, T- Bone, Job Banjob, Bear Garden, Muse, Radio Head, Placebo and even Iron Cross ( a rock band from Myanmar) song in my iPod.. How can I expect people to understand why I read Salina (A Samad Said), Tenggelamnya Kapal van der Wijck (dr Hamka), Phra' Aphai Mani (Sunthorn Phu) all at the same time. I can't expect people to understand, I'm on a whole other operating system.

It's understandable why we just want to stay within our own people, we want order, we want predictability, and all the answer to all of our question, we want to speak the same language, we can share story. If we have them around, we feel more comfortable. But, I've choose different path, this road is less traveled. It's full of challenge to fit in. No matter how much I want to brag about my DNA is partially Isaan, I'm still a Kedah boy, a kampung boy. When I came to Kl 15 years ago with only Spm education, and half of that time I've spent mingle with only my own race. When I choosed to walk away from that, It's still a cumbersome process of adaptation. To watch 'Siang Isaan' (a comedy band from north east of Thailand), and listen to mhorlum and at the beginning I literally don't understand a word. But today, I've traveled and stay at the Kumphawapi (Udorn Thani), and lived with them, speak their language, I cook their food for them, I ate 'larb' (minced beef salad), and 'koy' ( raw minced beef salad served with blood). I also dance in front the stage of mhorlum concert at the 'ngarn boon barn' (annually village festival). It's never been easy since you're not one of them. But I've learn not only to become a good cook but also to become a 'real' Thai. It's tremendous fullness, aliveness and a different kind of comfort when we learn to tolerate randomness of live. Maybe my genetic has mutate!

If we only stick with our own people, everything is linear and predictable. We'd come to a halt. They would be no creativity or evolution of growth. To live is weave constantly, between the known and the unknown. It's the feeling of wonder, openness and curiosity that give birth to so much as long as we can get comfortable exploring the vastness of the journey that life will take us. Leading life in a meaningful way requires embracing the unknown. That that unknown leads me to the possession of great wealth of the Thai food knowledge. Not just the best recipe but also how to bring it to it's utmost form. By the same token, we sometime cling to our sameness to the detriment of seeing this human potential. In our effort to hold on to our way ( or our family, race, religion, tribe) we insulate ourselves never turning to observe the lives of others around us who are different. We confine ourselves to what is familiar, when we could enhance our lives by opening ourselves up to the richness of other culture and ethnic group have to offer. There is magnificence in what is strange or unfamiliar to us. It is only fear that hold us back. The most important thing is to breaks out from that fear and start to take that first step. You don't have to know everything in the beginning, life will always finds it's way. If you listen to 'Joodmhaai khorng ther' by Nhoom Sakol, you'll understand this.

Lukthung, lukkrung and the possession of many language especially Thai and english can open door to magnificence. It was a depth of seeing, and the deeper is where magnificence lies and meaning can be found. It's open up your heart to see something that take your breath away, whether it was a beautiful Thailand Pantene commercial, (the one that the mute and deaf girl learn to play violin), or watch sunset at Phromthep Cape, Phuket, or to listen to Sunthraphron's songs and be awe by his wordcraftmanship. And all of that even though it's not make me rich but, I literally enrich by that.

But in all honesty, deep down in my heart Saiburi is where I belong. Someday when the time is right I'll go back there. I'll make up for my lost time, and spread all this precious knowledge of cooking to our next generation so they don't have to go through what I've been through. Cos this dark ugly journey almost take my life, literally! This is a lonely world I live in. Thailand people don't accept that I'm one one of them and my own people said that I'm not one of them too. But, I'll back to Saiburi, cos that is where I belong. What? Saiburi is only exist 102 years ago? It's ok, I'll build new one. Join me to build Saiburi back my dear phi norng. I'll call my country Saiburi United. It's will unite the next generation of Siamese from Perlis, Kedah, Perak and Kelantan. It's a project that I've plan for many years. I'll take the kids who don't have chance to further their study to teach them how to cook and run the restaurant. I'll teach them to Suad mon, I'll teach them the Thai culture, I'll teach them to listen to Sunthraphorn and read Phra' Aphai Mani. And above all I'll teach them to unite rather than divide. Join me to make it happen my dear phi norng. I'm not the most eloquent speaker since what I can do best is only cooking so I thought I would like to borrow a few words from John Lennon.

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the (Saiburi) will be as one.

But today is Merdeka day, so don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to recruit you to join the bizarre separatist group or something. After all Saiburi is not a place, a location or a new country. It's just a state of mind. It's just a reminder what we must strive for, how we used to be and how we suppose to be. The unity of our society is in our hand, all of us! And if we really united and put our heart and soul to revive our lost identity, Saiburi might be not too far beyond our dream. Some day when the time is right, when Saiburi is really united, our next generation will call themselves Khon Sai, instead of khon Thai cos it's confuse people that think we're from Thailand. And Siamese is not really accurate cos we've separate from Kingdom of Siam 102 years ago. Even though we love Thailand the dearest but we're Malaysian citizen. We're are Saiburian. That's for me is the most accurate definition about us.

Of course as a Siamese boy, who is grown up watch Thai tv, read Thai book, and listen to the Thai song all the time. I'm in love with Thailand, the calendar that I use in my home is the photo of king of Thailand and King Chulalongkorn's photo is nicely frame hang on my wall. I love Thailand the dearest. Through out my travel to Phuket, Rayong, Koh Samet, Bangkok, Udorn Thani, I'm in love with the people, places, cuisine and culture. But Malaysia is my home. Touching down on Lcct and listening through the airport speaker's "to all Malaysian, welcome home", is music to my ears. No matter how much I'm in love with Thailand, Malaysia is my home. Malaysia is where I belong. Happy Merdeka Day Malaysia!

And Hansel said to Gretel: Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we find our way home…

because losing our way would be the most cruel thing.

Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for a journey is way more cruel. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it was not me who arrived. It was not me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you have been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are. (One Tree Hill, 2nd serie, last episode)

I saw this episode before I went 'home' to Thailand and it was very suitable for what I was going through. I have a confession to make. I have love affair with another country. This triangle love is so sweet. Maybe I finally found my 'home'. Few days In Phuket make me realize. I am actually have two country that I can call 'home'. You can call me traitor if you want. But this love affair is so sweet, I couldn't resist. I do not feel I lost myself, but myself was missing parts of itself. And the journey 'home' has brought them back together. The traveling from Kuala Lumpur to Phuket helped me to see the places that have formed me. Where I found my dreams, where I felt my drive. Being at 'home' and meeting my friends made me feel it again. I felt (!!!) and not just knew who I was.

People in my life have inspired me, some have changed my perspective, some made me laugh or cry, some made me think, some made me doubt, some made me believe, some made me swear, some made me fight, some made me give up, some made me to wish, some made me forget, some I forgot, some I remember, some are still on my mind, some are occupying my heart, some make my soul squeeze, some took my trust away, some gave me hopes, some played games with my emotions, some used me, some helped me, some where there for me, some made me regret, some made me thankful, some tried to stop me (some of them succeeded), some tried to ”restart” me (some of them succeeded), some made me feel rich, some made me feel empty, some made me wonder, some made me do wonders…

I could go on and go on and the list would be endless.

When I think of those few days at 'home' in Thailand and those people I spent the days with, I feel my whole history and I am thankful that I got them as a bonus to my life. We laugh, we talk serious, for the first time in my life, I sing karaoke! We are so different but still so close and I feel myself instead of just knowing who I am. These people made me strong and made my life pink for me.

ไม่รู้จักฉัน ไม่รู้จักเธอ

นั่งนับดวงดาวเหงาๆอยู่คนเดียวที่ริมขอบสระน้ำในคนโด แล้วก็นึกถึงเพลง'คืนที่ดาวเต็มฟ้า'ที่เคยemailไปให้เธอพร้อมกับข้อความที่จารึกว่า(คืนที่ดาวเต็มฟ้าฉันจินตนาการเห็นหน้า(ชื่อเธอ)) ก็ตามธรรมดาของคนอกหักก็ต้องฟังเพลงที่ตอกย้ำซ้ำเติมหัวใจที่มันเจ็บปวดอยู่แล้ว แผลเลือดยังหยดอยู่เอาเกลือไปโรยซ่ะงั้น แล้วมันจะมีเพลงไหนที่ทำหน้าที่โหดร้ายนี้ได้ถึงใจเท่ากับ'ปฏิเสธไม่ได้ว่ารักเธอ'Kal/Clash ความจินตนาการมันก็เริ่มไส่ร้ายเธอว่าตอนนี้เธอกำลังอยู่กับเค้า แหละแล้วสมองมันก็ต้องตกหลุมพรางความมืดอีกครั้งหนึ่ง ความจินตนาการที่เป็นภาพที่เจ็บปวดมันก็เริ่มชัดเจนขึ้น แหละแล้วเราก็ต้องผิดสัญญากับตัวเอง/กับเธอว่า จะไม่คิดถึงผู้หญิงคนนี้อีก ว่าจะไม่เหลือช่องว่างในความคิดของตัวเองไปคิดเรื่องที่มันเจ็บปวดเพราะเธออีก แต่ตอนนี้ตัวเองต้องมานั่งร้องให้ริมสระว่ายน้ำแล้วฟังเพลง'ปฏิเสธไม่ได้ว่ารักเธอ'ไม่รู้กี่ร้อยรอบแล้ว

เวลาที่เรามีความสุขมันชั่งแสนสั้นเน่าะ ยังไม่ลืมวันแรกที่เราแอ๊ดเธอแล้วเธอpostบทกลอนหวานๆมาประจำในfriendster แอบไปยิ้มหวานแก้มปริคนเดียวอยู่สามวัน เธอเป็นแขกประจำในหัวใจเหงาๆดวงนี้อยู่เสมอ แหละแล้ววันนี้ความหวานของวันนั้นก็เหลือเพียงแค่ความทรงจำ ก็เลยต้องแอบหลบมุมมานั่งฟังเพลง'ทิ้งไว้ในใจ'-ยิ้มแก้มปริทั้งน้ำตา

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แต่มองไปในทางบวก มันก็ซ่อนความหวานฉ่ำอยู่มากกับการที่ลมได้พัดผู้หญิงคนนี้มาเจอเราในครั้งนี้ เธอเป็นคนที่ชื่นชมในผลงานเรามาก ขนาดถึงเอารูปเมนูกับข้าวที่เราออกในวันvalentineวันนั้นไปpostในfacebookเค้าด้วย เพื่อนๆเค้าก็commentในทางที่ชื่นชมเรา happyสุดๆ มันเป็นกำลังใจให้เรามาก ภูมิใจมากเพราะคำชมนั้นเราได้ยิน/ได้อ่านจากคนที่เราแอบรัก อีกอย่างเธอก็ได้postบทกลอนหวานๆมาเป็นกำลังใจเป็นประจำในfacebookในวันที่เราอ่อนล้า ส่งข้อความมาอรุนสวัสดิ์/ราตรีสวัสดิ์เป็นประจำ ที่น่ารักมากกว่านั้นก็คือ เธอชอบส่งข้อความมาเตือนว่า 'อย่าลืมกินข้าวน่ะคนดี' (เพราะจริงๆแล้วเป็นคนที่ยุ่งกับงานมาก แล้วลืมกินข้าวเป็นประจำ) แล้วตอนที่เรากลับบ้านจากทำงานดึกๆ เธอยังอุตส่าห์ข่มตารอchatกับเราในmsn ถึงแม้เธอจะเหนื่อยกับงานมาก ประโหยคที่คุยกันอยู่ประจำก็คือ'รักน่ะคนดี คิดถึงน่ะคนดี วันนี้เหนือยมั้ย หลับฝันหวานน่ะหวานใจ' chatไปchatมาแล้วเธอก็หายเลย (หลับคาlaptopเป็นประจำ!) นอกจากเธอเป็นคนน่ารักแล้ว ยังทำอะไรๆน่ารักให้เราอีก น่ารักสุดๆ!

มันเป็นความรักรูปแบบใหม่ในยุคtechnologyนี้ กาลเวลาเปลี่ยนแปลง การที่เราแสดงออกความรักก็ได้เปลี่ยนตาม เพราะเด็กสมัยก่อน เวลาจะเขียนจดหมายรักจะต้องหากระดาษหอมๆปากกาหอมๆมาเขียน เเล้วเทแป้งspring songลงไปด้วยเกือบครึ่งกระป๊อง!

แต่ตอนนี้เธอไม่อยู่แล้ว ยังงงๆอยุ่ว่ามันเกิดอะไรขึ้นกันแน่ มันเป็นความรักรูปแบบใหม่ๆ แปลกกว่าเพลง'ไม่รุ้จักฉัน ไม่รุ็จักเธอ'เสียอีก ความรักที่มันเรึ่มและต้องจบ ทั้งๆที่เราไม่เคยเห็นหน้ากันในโลกจริง ความรักบานผลิทั้งๆที่เราไม่เคยพบกัน และความรักก็ต้องร่วงโรยโดยที่ไม่มีโอกาสได้งอกงาม เศร้ายิ่งกว่าในนิยายเสียอีก

ถ้าเธอได้อ่านblogนี้อยากจะบอกเธอว่า ไม่โกรธเธอหรอกคนดี เธอคิดถูกแล้วที่เลือกที่จะรักเค้ามากกว่าผู้ชายที่ชีวิตวุ่นวายคนนี้ ดูแลเค้าให้ดีๆน่ะ ขอบใจสำหรับส่วนหนึ่งของหัวใจน้องที่เคยมีให้ผู้ชายขี้เหงาคนนี้ แต่จะขออนุญาติเธอว่า เราจะขอเก็บความทรงจำนี้ไว้ในใจไปถึงวันตายจะได้มั้ย?

P/s ถ้าชาติหน้ามีจริง เกิดชาติหน้าบ้านใกล้เธอน่ะ

What's make khon Thai is a Khon Thai.

What's make a khon Thai is a khon Thai? Whether his country of origin, or his heart and soul?


As a head chef of one of the Kl's finest Thai and Indochinese restaurant, when I'm tell people I'm Thai but Kedah born. People start to question my originality, not the authenticity of my dishes, but the authenticity of my soul, whether I'm pure Thai. I want to explain to them but in the words that they're not going to understand anyway, so I've stop explaining, but I must have some accurate answer, not for anyone to understand but it's for myself. That underneath this skin, the blood that pumping my heart is pure Thai; pure Siamese to be accurate.

During my childhood, I'm growing up not so much different from Thai boys at the Thailand. I've learn to read and write Thai at the age of 7, (thanks to my dad, Khru Ik, Khru See, Khru Peng, who have devoted their life to teach me and other kids with such great deal of comitment, I'll be eternally grateful for that.) My dad force me to read Phra' Aphai Mani at the age of 11. We watch Thai tv all the time. I grew not only to listen to 'Negaraku' but also Thai national anthem. I grow up watch 'Komin', 'Kaew Nar Mar', 'Narng 12', 'Ik Kiu Sang', 'Khookarm' (Kamolchanok Kamolkhitik & Bird Thongchai), 'Bua Laeng Narm', 'Dao Prasuk' 'Mon Rak Lukthung' I've also grow up watch Thai Movie (we call it Nhang Husin at that time), get to know Mitrchai Bancha, Krung Siwillai, Naowarat, Jaruni Suksawadd, Aphiradee, Suraphong Chatree, Chathchai Praengphanit, I also gow up watch the concert of Nik Niranam, Phaijitr Aksornnarong, Phornsak Songsaeng at the 'ngarn bun'. I've also growing up not just listen to Sornphej Sornsukphan, Sayan Sanya, Yordrak Salakjai, Sodsai Roongphothorng, but also Charin Nanthanakhorn, Suraphol Sombatjareon, Chatree Srichon,Phongsri Woranuth, Chaththorng Monghkholthorng, Thoon Thorngjai, even Sarika Kingkaew.

I remember my dad and his friend watch boxing on tv to support boxer like Sod Jillada, Samart Phayak Arun, Khaosai/Khaokhor Galaxy and cheers their heart out like their relative was compete in that ring! I still can remember vividly my dad even cry when Thai national football team lose to Malaysian team at the 1989 SEA game, while Piyaphong Phiuorn still playing.

So, I'm not explaining this to anyone but myself. That 101 years ago my Kampung right now is the state of Saiburi under the king of Siam, and my ancestor maybe related to Rama 5, King Chulalongkorn himself. Or maybe, even before that, way before that back to the Sukhothai kingdom under the King Ramakhamhaeng (reign from 1279-1298).

The staff who work under me, some are from Surin, Ubon Ratchathani and Udornthani. I'm normally spend my holiday once a year at Phuket, Rayong, Koh Samet, Pattaya, Bangkok, or Udon Thani, because most of my friend and my former colleague living there.
So you tell me what's the percentage of Thai blood in this body. But as far as I'm concern, I'm pretty damn sure that I'm not less 'Thai' then my relative at the Patthalung or Yala.

For Khon Thai, or Siamese out there that same race with me, hopefully that you all can share your experience.